Some goodies by Steven Wright

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen
... and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
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I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.